Vlad Tepes Metal Bottle Opener

“Crack It Open Like a Skull in Wallachia” Edition

History remembers him as a prince, a warlord, a national hero, or a sadistic monster — depending on which side of the stake you were on. But here at Hate Couture, we remember Vlad Țepeș for one thing: his commitment to getting the point across.

Now you can channel the same unapologetic energy every time you pop open a cold one with the Vlad Țepeș Bottle Opener — a tribute to impalement culture, medieval spite, and weaponized hospitality.

Forged from solid metal and shaped with the same precision Vlad applied to his enemies, this is not your basic bar tool. No plastic. No ergonomic grip. No cute nonsense. Just a heavy, brutal piece of hardware designed to remove bottle caps with the same kind of finality with which Vlad removed noble heads from noble shoulders.

Need to unwind after another day in the empire of mediocrity? Use this twisted little relic to uncork your despair. Whether it’s beer, mead, or the last surviving bottle of dignity in a collapsing world, this opener treats every cap like an Ottoman emissary who forgot to take his hat off.

Cynical? Always. Practical? Absolutely. It’s weighted perfectly — not just for leverage, but for the kind of slow, deliberate gesture that says, “I came here to drink and desecrate.”

A few suggested uses:

• Crack a bottle open while reading about how Vlad impaled 20,000 people and left them to rot in the sun as a message. Cheers.

• Use it as a conversation starter at dinner parties you don’t want to be invited to again.

• Keep it on hand for fending off joy, hope, or unsolicited small talk.

• Leave it on your counter as a warning: This house doesn’t do “live, laugh, love.” It does “drink, sharpen, repeat.”

Pair it with a bottle of something bitter and a dead-eyed stare.
No batteries. No filters. No mercy.

Hate Couture – Where form meets function, and function mostly involves spite.
Raise your glass. Lower your standards. Impale your thirst.