Vlad Tepes Bottle Opener

Finally, a kitchen utensil that matches the black void where your heart should be. Introducing the Hate Couture  Vlad Țepeș Bottle Opener, the only tool worthy of prying the cap off your cheap lager while paying tribute to the man who made forest décor out of human suffering. Why settle for boring chrome or novelty mustaches when you could have impalement chic right in your hand?

Crafted from cold, pitiless metal a, this opener is engraved with the twisted grimace of Vlad himself—a tyrant so efficient at population control, he could teach modern HR departments a thing or two. Each use of this opener is a reminder that your evening of drinking is a minor offense compared to what he’d have done to you for littering.

The ergonomic handle fits comfortably in your hand like the hilt of a dagger you’d use on your enemies, or your in-laws. Pop the cap, hear the hiss, and toast to medieval justice, political instability, and the human capacity for cruelty. Whether you’re sipping imperial stout or peasant’s swill, you’ll do it with the sneering approval of a man who thought gravity was best used vertically—on a spike.

Great for goths, misanthropes, history nerds with a mean streak, or anyone who believes household objects should carry a palpable sense of doom. Comes packaged in a coffin-shaped box, because of course it does.

Warning: May awaken bloodlust, existential despair, or the urge to Google “Ottoman Empire torture methods.” Not dishwasher safe—neither is your soul.